Radiation in the Rearview

I had my last radiation appointment this morning.  It was the same as all the others aside from the fact that I don't have to come back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  Hooray!!  I made a batch of our new favorite - salted caramel rice krispy treats - for the radiation staff to celebrate my grand finale.  I kind of felt like we were all friends since I've visited with them nearly every morning for the past 6-1/2 weeks (33 mornings to be exact).  Unlike visits with normal friends they also got to see my boob each morning.  They were all very nice people who made the experience as pleasant as possible.  I've actually seen them a lot more than any of my actual friends or family (except the ones that live with me of course)!  Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to send me a quick note today to let me know you were thinking of me.  You have no idea how much I appreciated it!  And needed it today!

I wasn't prepared for how emotional I felt about finally reaching "the end" of my treatment.  Although at the same time, I also don't feel like this is the end, and maybe that's part of it, too.  I still have to do the hormone therapy for several years.  Yes, it's only taking a little pill everyday - nothing compared to what these last few months have entailed - but it's still part of the deal.  A little reminder every single day that I had breast cancer.  Plus, I will have lots of doctor appointments and screenings in my future.  And a lingering fear always in the background that I'm sure will bubble to the surface every so often.

It was all I could do to hold it together until I at least got out the door of the hospital.  By the time I got to my car I was falling apart and I had to have a nice hard, but quick, cry.  I figured anyone who saw me crying in the parking lot wouldn't think it was that weird since (a) it's a hospital and (b) my hair is still so short that "cancer patient" is a safe bet.  I was feeling so angry that this happened to me and my family.  I haven't really thought about it for quite a while now; I've been too busy living it every day.  I think the last time I was upset about everything was when I found out I should do chemo.  Then there was the last time I washed my hair before chopping it all off... I might have been a little upset.

It probably sounds weird that I did plenty of crying on a day when I should feel nothing but joy.  I'm guessing the only people who could truly understand this are the ones who've had a cancer diagnosis in their lifetime.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy to have reached this point.  I am definitely not sad to have this phase over.  I am sad that my life will never be quite like it was before.  But that's just part of life I suppose.  Perhaps it's disappointment that "it's over," except that it's actually not.

As I walked away from my last visit to the "Caution: High Radiation Area" I realized that I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last 8 months and now I can finally exhale... and apparently shed some tears, too.  I knew I was going to have a hard time at work.  Part of me wanted to call in and say I wasn't coming today.  But I knew my co-workers were excited for me to finish radiation and would worry if I didn't show up.

When I got to the top of the stairs at my office the first thing I saw was that there were balloons on my desk and a box of delicious maple bars.  Kathy jumped up to give me a hug and wish me congratulations and I just started crying and scared her half to death.  I couldn't help it.  It was too much.  There is something about other people going out of their way to do something special for you.  Poor Kathy thought I'd gotten bad news at my appointment or something terrible.  Luckily I was able to compose myself and convince her I was ok and that everything was really very good!  And thank her so much for the balloons and treats!  (Bryce likes the balloons, too!)

Our friend Lisa came in and was confused by my tears, too.  But then she was able to articulate what I couldn't at that moment... apparently she works the same way I do.   Now I am able to put it into words myself.

 

When there is a "crisis" you just get down to business and and do what you have to do.  You hold it together.  Emotion takes a back seat to action.  Eventually there is nothing left to be done to "fix" the problem.  And so, when you get through whatever trial you have faced, the emotions finally catch up and overtake you.  That is exactly how I felt today.

Almost Done with Radiation

I've reached my final week of radiation!  I only have THREE {make that TWO!} treatments left.

The last five treatments (so last Friday and then the four this week) are a little different than the previous 28.  These are more concentrated directly on the tumor bed site.  They are even faster than the others (just one shot).  On Friday, they marked me up with a sharpie again.  I have a small X over my tumor site and then they put a dot of clear tape over the top so that the mark won't wash off.  They also drew a wonky circle around the X which indicated the whole area to be radiated, but that washed off and they don't have to draw that part again.  After my FINAL treatment on Thursday I can take off the tape and wash the X off of my body.

There is now this extra attachment on the radiation machine so that it is really close to my body (almost touching it) and there is a special metal plate that was made just for me that directs the radiation in the precise shape they determined was needed.  I asked if I got to keep the plate as a souvenir since it was personalized for me, but they said no because it is full of toxic metal.  They melt them down when you are done to make new ones.  The dose of radiation in these final treatments is the same.  I don't quite understand how it all works, but something about the wavelength and that the electrons will breakup at a certain depth inside my body and for that reason they can aim directly at the tumor site and the radiation won't go all the way through my body and harm my lungs or any other organs.  The treatment field for all the previous ones was a big rectangle over my entire breast and some under my arm.

I saw Dr. Kuhn for the last time during treatment today.  I will see her again in 6 weeks just to make sure my skin is all healed.  She said my skin has held up really well.  In the last week and a half it started to bother me a bit.  First in my armpit (imagine a sunburn in your armpit that doesn't go away) and then under my boob.  I think going to the pool and having wet skin/wet bathing suit rubbing didn't do me any favors.  Luckily these final treatments don't hit in my armpit or underneath and so that skin should start healing now.  Dr. Kuhn said to put Aquaphor on it and I have a big pot of it in Bryce's room.  I'm so thankful it didn't start bothering me until the end.  One of the techs the other day made a comment that it is common to start having skin problems after the first couple weeks.  I would have done a lot of complaining if that had happened.  Now I walk around with my hand on my hip a lot of the time so that the skin doesn't rub so much.

I took some pictures for you.  This is where I've been going every morning (well Monday-Friday) for the last six weeks...

This is the door to the radiation treatment room.  It's really thick!  Jerry the technician told me the walls around the room are 5-6 feet thick in some places.  Yikes!

This is really blurry, but you can see the table/bed I lay on covered with the white sheet.  The bed moves back over that white circle, then raises up toward the ceiling, and then rotates around to whatever angle necessary.  When Claire Claire accompanied me to treatment one day last week Jerry let her push the button to raise the bed up in the air.  Once the bed is back over the white circle, that whole big machine rotates around.

These are the "stars" I get to gaze at while I lay there.  They fade from green to blue to purple to white and the white is kind of bright if you look right at some of them so I usually just close my eyes.  That circular part of the machine is where the radiation shoots out.

{Side Note}  This is what I have left for eyelashes.  It actually looks like more in this picture than when I look in the mirror.  There is a huge gap about in the middle.  I think some new ones are starting to grow but they are really short.  I don't think "volumizing" mascara would be much help.

"I Like Your Haircut"

I have some hair now.

I could truly tell it was starting to grow a little over a month after my final chemo treatment (right around Memorial Day).  It was then I realized if I wanted to have any hope of having semi-normal looking hair (and that is likely wishful thinking) by Tara's wedding on July 11 that I couldn't shave my head again.  Not that I wanted to keep shaving my head... but while the hair was still so thin it felt creepy when it got very long and it actually felt better to have no hair.  It's been a couple weeks now since then.

As I was writing this I had a kind of depressing moment, because I attempted to measure how long my hair is so I could tell you... and it's barely a quarter of an inch.  I've only got one month until that wedding so I think "semi-normal" might be a stretch.  Oh well!  I guess that's probably about right though because I think someone told me hair usually grows about half an inch per month... so it's been a couple weeks that it's been growing and has grown a quarter inch.  Perhaps I'll have 3/4 of an inch by the wedding... maybe a full inch if my detox tea and (nasty) liquid vitamins make it grow extra fast.

----

It's about as long as that little dashed line.

That's pretty short.  And a lot of it is "silver" (i.e. gray, or maybe even white).  A few weeks back I was in TJ Maxx and a woman asked me if I was going through treatment.  She said when her hair started growing back it came in all gray at first, but after a while it went mostly back to her natural brown color.  Someone told her it's pretty common to come back gray in the beginning as a result of the havoc chemo does on your body.  We'll see, unfortunately mine had plenty of gray pre-chemo so this might just be my "natural" color.

I also have some really helpful people who like to say things like, "Your hair is really growing.  Look at how much gray there is... it's really coming in gray!"  Yes, thank you for reminding me of that.  I really appreciate it because I hadn't noticed.  Later a friend said something about how maybe it would be that "pretty" gray some women get when they get older.  I said that I don't want to have pretty gray hair!  Not at age 37!!!!  This was followed up with that she was getting her own hair colored because she was getting lots of gray (I couldn't see a single gray hair by the way; also she is maybe 15 years older than me... if you don't want gray hair, why would I?).  Do you see the problem here?  She tried to spin it that I had been bald so at least I was going to have hair again, even if it was gray.  This is somewhat true... but I've said it from day one... I was worried about it growing back all gray.  It makes me not happy.

I was thinking about this and why am I not just thankful to have any hair?  I think it's because I knew being bald was a temporary situation due to the chemo... having gray hair is for the rest of my life.  Again, I know I was already headed in this direction, but it still sucks.  And I won't be able to dye it until it's quite a bit longer and you can't see my scalp.  Also someone told me you aren't supposed to dye it for at least a year, not sure if that is really true.  I saw myself in the mirror at radiation this morning and maybe it was the lighting, but it looked grayer than ever and all I could think was how it made me look so much older than I actually am.

Even though my hair is apparently still really short at a 1/4 inch, it is definitely thicker than is has been and you can actually tell that I do have hair (although you can still see my scalp, too, it's not that thick yet).  When I touch my scalp I can tell there are lots (probably thousands) of hairs that are wanting to grow.  It doesn't feel smooth like it did before.  My assumption is it feels this way because all those follicles are starting to sprout hair or it's just under the surface or something like that.  Maybe before too long you won't be able to see my scalp anymore.  The hair itself feels pretty soft.

Also I actually have to shave my legs sometimes now.  I was hoping that hair loss would be permanent! Ha ha!

My eyebrows and lashes have continued to get a little bit thinner.  Hopefully they don't all fall out.  I've actually gotten pretty good (I think?) at filling in my eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil.  But if there is no hair there at all I don't think I could (nor do I want) to completely draw them in.  I did have someone tell me the other day I needed to make them darker... I was like, lady, the fact that I'm doing anything with them at all is an accomplishment in my book!

When I got to the checkout at Target the other day, the clerk (who had a funky short hair do) said to me, "I like your haircut."  I kind of laughed because I don't consider what I have a "haircut" and said thanks, that I just finished chemo and I was excited for it to be as long as hers was.  She told me she had shaved her head once when she was in junior high in support of her aunt who had cancer treatments.  She gave me some good advice on how to avoid having a mullet when it starts growing out (when it gets to a pixie length, if you want to grow it longer, you have to keep trimming the back while the top/sides grow).  I totally appreciated this advice because that last thing I need at this point in my life is a mullet!  Although maybe I could bring mullets back in style?  (Random thought... what is worse?  Having no hair or a mullet?  Or a rat tail?  I should figure out how to add a quiz to this post so you can vote!)

When I was dropping some things off at the Idaho Youth Ranch last weekend, the woman taking the donations also told me she liked my hair.  She said she'd always wanted to shave her head but wasn't brave enough to do it.  Of course I said with a smile, well I only did it because I had to do chemo.  Apparently she thought I'd just shaved my head for fun because I could tell she felt embarrassed then, which she shouldn't have because it didn't hurt my feelings or anything.  She said, "Oh!  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry!"  Like she was surprised.

A couple observations about this from my perspective... I think it's kind of funny when someone is surprised I have no hair because of cancer/chemo.  Seriously, how many women have you ever met that shaved their head for any other reason?  I'm guessing the answer is none... maybe one if you have some crazy friend from when you were a kid (or possibly know someone who did it to "support" a friend with cancer).

I also think it's funny when women tell me they've always wanted to shave their head.  I've actually heard that more times than you would expect.  No, you haven't really always wanted to shave your head.  If you did, you'd probably at least have short hair, not long hair, which is the polar opposite of the shaved head you've always dreamed about.  If you really wanted to shave your head you might kind of do a test run with short hair, but you are too scared to even do that, so I'm pretty sure you don't really want to shave your head.  I think I can honestly say I never once even dreamed of shaving my head before all this.  I do think most women with long hair have probably wondered what it would be like to cut it short at some point, but shaving it all off?  I'm not buying it!

When I was at Maverick (seriously, you must think all I do is go to stores... I swear it's not true, but it seems that is when random strangers talk to me... probably because I don't see random strangers at my house obviously).  Anyway, as I was leaving, this nice older gentleman said to me, "I'm so proud of you."  I was a little confused and said, "Are you talking to me?"  And he said yes, and repeated the sentiment at least two more times.  I thought that was nice of him and thanked him.  I assume he was just proud of me for being awesome (and also mostly because I don't have hair and don't seem to care).  In reality I wondered if he had a wife or sister or someone who had cancer.

Today I was back at Maverick (yeah... again...) and the clerk said, "Ok, you've got the shaved head so I have to ask..." but I kind of interrupted before he could finish and said, "Oh, I had to do chemo and my hair is finally starting to grow back."  He told me that his wife had shaved her head last fall in support of their daughter.  Now this part almost made me cry because I have become extra sensitive about any human having any type of cancer.  Their daughter who is only in 8th GRADE was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer last summer!  He said she developed a tumor the size of a cantaloup.  The good news was that she is doing really well now and through with all her treatments and she's going to be able to start dancing again soon.  (And both his daughter and wife's hair is growing back now, too.)

Another observation... I'm not sure how I feel about people shaving their head in support of a loved one who has to go through cancer treatment.  A few friends and I have discussed this.  I think it is great that friends or loved ones want to show support.  I think for me personally, I'd rather have them show it in other ways.  I came across an article a while back about a whole group of friends who shaved their heads to support a friend.  They had a big party where they surprised her (she thought she was going to a birthday party) and had a photo shoot with all their bald heads.

But one of those women's hair isn't going to start growing back the next day while everyone else's is.  One of those women couldn't bare to take another shower until she shaved her head, because it was too disturbing to see and feel all the hair on her hands and in the drain.  Until you are holding a handful of your own hair you cannot really imagine how it feels (it's super creepy!).  I don't think it would have been any easier to go through that if my friends shaved their heads.  Also, no one else has to go through all the other side effects from chemo and cancer.  I know the thought is that it's a way to show solidarity and "you are not alone in this" but when it really comes down to it no one else can imagine the physical and emotional toll it takes unless they have been through it themselves.

I will admit I have a cynical opinion that most people who shave their heads "for" a friend are really doing it for themselves, even if they don't realize it.  Now, this is just my personal opinion, so if you have a friend or relative someday who has to do chemo and it makes them feel better if you shave your head by all means do it and throw all my opinions out the door!  But my advice is that you really should talk to the person first... there are a lot of other ways to give support that are truly meaningful and helpful!  Plus your friend might be like me and might be a little annoyed by it all so don't surprise her with a cue ball head and a "Hey, look what I did for you!"  I'm not alone in this opinion... in my ongoing quest to Google as many weird phrases as possible I searched "shave your head for cancer friend" and found: this, Dear Prudence agrees, and this, even more.

In the case of the mother/daughter story mentioned above, I've decided I consider that a special circumstance... something about doing it for a child (again this is assuming the child wants you to shave your head for them).  Children are still figuring out how they fit into the world and have more insecurities, and being or looking different can be a big deal.  If my child would feel better if I shaved my head, of course I would do it if that is what they wanted.

(Note, my child would not do the same for me... I suggested it several times and she was not buying it!  Also note, I was teasing her.  I wouldn't want her to shave her head anymore than a friend or relative!  Another note, it's just fine that Juan has a shaved head.  After all... he did it before I did!)

Acupuncture

I had my first acupuncture session on June 3.  It's all done through MSTI as part of their Integrative Medicine program, and the offices are just down the hall from where the chemo and radiation is done at the hospital.

My acupuncturist's name is Alan.  He's a nice guy and sounds like he's been doing this for a long time.  He said he has about a 98% success rate when it comes to helping with hot flashes... success means they might go away completely or at least become much less intense and just little "warm flashes" instead.  I will take either.

At my first appointment we started with a full consultation.  We talked about why I was there and he asked some questions about my cancer and treatment.  He shared some of his philosophy on health and well being... "Eat well.  Move well.  Rest well," is his mantra... also drink lots of water and try to go easy on the sugar.  Like everything in life, apparently acupuncture tends to be more successful if a person is in relatively good health to begin with, so aside from the cancer (that has been removed!) I have that in my favor.  Also the fact that I've only been having hot flashes for a couple months (not very long apparently) there is a better chance of it helping me.

He gave me the cliff notes version of what acupuncture is and how it can work.  I think I'm having chemo-brain right now and can't focus enough to explain it to you.  Alan said a 9-year-old patient put it really well when she said, "So acupuncture reminds my body how it's supposed to work."  It has to do with neurological pathways and messages and getting my body back in equilibrium.  Each treatment will get me closer to the center until I'm all in balance again.

So here is what the acupuncture experience itself has been like for me.  I sit in a pretty comfortable recliner type of chair that is covered with a white sheet.  Alan reclines the chair and uses some rolled up sheets to help me be as comfortable as possible (under my hand, arm, legs, or wherever necessary).  He takes my pulse on each arm. 

Then he starts placing the needles.  They are very thin.  At my first appointment he asked if I had ever donated blood.  I said yes I had, that I actually worked at the blood center.  He said you could probably fit at least seven of the acupuncture needles into one of our blood donation needles.  The acupuncture needles are single use and each in a sealed package.  He swabs the spots where needles will go with a little alcohol first.  I've had maybe 3-4 on my left arm, 5-6 on my left leg, 4-5 on the outside of my right leg, and 2-3 on my right arm/hand.  At my second appointment he also put one on my forehead.  It doesn't hurt when he places the needles.  Sometimes there is a little sting but it goes away.  Sometimes I can't feel it at all.  Once all the needles are in, he puts some sheets over my arms and legs so I don't get cold (although last time I still felt a little cold).  He puts a heat lamp thing aimed at my feet to warm them up (it feels good!).  Then he dims the light and puts on a white noise machine. 

Funny story... at my first appointment I was laying there relaxing and could hear this water running through the pipes.  It never let up and I thought it was weird because when someone washes their hands or flushes a toilet you hear the water and after a bit it stops.  This was like a magical bathtub that never stopped draining.  It didn't really bother me, I just thought it was odd and was curious about what it really was.  Well I figured it out at the end when I realized it was this white noise machine and it was actually the sound of a babbling brook!

After I'm all set up, Alan leaves the room and my job it to just relax and not move.  He comes back to check on me after about 10 minutes.  The needles need to be in place for 30-40 minutes to get the maximum benefit.  Sometimes it seems like my muscles twitch a few times.  At first I thought I might have a really hard time sitting there for so long and turning my mind off.  When I'm home sometimes I have hard time sitting still to watch a TV show because my mind thinks about all these other things I should be doing.  Luckily at my appointments I've found that I'm able to turn everything off and relax so much that I even dozed off for a little bit.  Alan said this is great and usually leads to more success if you are completely relaxed, especially enough to fall asleep!

Once we hit the 30-40 minutes Alan comes back in and removes the needles.  This feels a little weird but isn't painful.  Then he uses another alcohol swab to wipe each spot.  And that's it.  My second appointment was in the morning after radiation (on June 9) and I was so relaxed.  I felt like I had been there for a really long time.  It didn't seem right that I still had to go to work because I hadn't even really started my day yet... I felt like my day should be over.  It was kind of weird but after I was outside I was able to accept the fact that I did have to go to work.

I have another appointment next week.  Alan said if possible, it's best to do a treatment once a week as you get started and then if/when you start seeing results you can start stretching out the time in between treatments.  I am very lucky because my insurance does cover acupuncture.  I have a copay and can do up to 20 treatments in a calendar year.

Now, the million dollar question... is it helping?  It was made clear to me I shouldn't expect the hot flashes to go away after the first treatment, that it takes a few times to get your body back in that balance where it belongs.  I do think after this second treatment it's been a bit better.  I still am getting hot flashes but not quite as often.  So, I'll keep going and see if I can really get some positive results.  I'll keep you posted! 

Halfway...

I'm officially over halfway done with my radiation treatments.  It's actually gone faster than I thought.  Today was my 18th treatment... only 15 more to go!  My skin is still looking really good, a little darker/pinker especially on my chest but it just looks like I've been in the sun.  When I saw Dr. Kuhn on Monday she said it looks great... keep doing whatever I'm doing.

The other day as I was getting ready, Claire was asking me various questions about what it felt like and looked like.  I was already planning to come back home and drive her to school that day so that her insect report poster wouldn't get damaged on the bus, so I said, "Hey, do you want to come with me today?"  She said yes so we hopped in the car, dropped Bryce off at his preschool/daycare (he started last week and is liking it a lot), and then Claire and I went to MSTI.  I checked in and we headed back to the dressing room/waiting area.

I pointed out the infusion center and told her that was where I had done my chemo.  She immediately noticed one of the large jars of Jolly Rancher's they have on all the counters of course.  I told her if she was good maybe she could have one when we finished.  We had talked in the car about how she would have to sit with the technicians while I had my actual treatment and that she must sit still, not touch anything, be quiet, etc... I said if she had a question about what they were doing it would be ok to ask.  We actually had to wait longer than normal because they had a problem with the computer or something.  Claire liked the teal color of my gown.  Finally they called me back and Claire got to watch them set me up and then they gave her a special chair in the "Command Center" to sit in while they administered the treatment.  Of course she was very well behaved (they said she was shy) so I let her pick a Jolly Rancher on our way out.

I think it was a good experience for her.  She has told me a few different times that she shared at school about my radiation (which I'm sure none of her classmates understand at all) and she's asked me a few questions about it, so probably she was a little worried about it.  This was a great opportunity for her to see that it's not scary.  I truly believe that knowing more about things makes them less scary.  Claire was impressed with the little starry lights that are above the treatment table.  Also she said that the machine looked like a big "C" which is exactly what I thought on my first treatment.

One of the things that I've thought about as I've gone through all these different stages of my diagnosis and treatment is how many different jobs there are in the healthcare field besides doctors and nurses that I never thought about before.  Who knows what fields my kids might want to study when it comes time to think about a career, but this seemed like another chance to show her someone else's job.  (She wants to be some kind of scientist right now... like a marine biologist so she can study ocean animals.)  Claire also got to meet another patient whose appointment is right after mine.  She is further along than me (today was actually her last TX so I will miss chatting with her), and she has real hair... proof that eventually I will too!