Radiation in the Rearview

I had my last radiation appointment this morning.  It was the same as all the others aside from the fact that I don't have to come back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.  Hooray!!  I made a batch of our new favorite - salted caramel rice krispy treats - for the radiation staff to celebrate my grand finale.  I kind of felt like we were all friends since I've visited with them nearly every morning for the past 6-1/2 weeks (33 mornings to be exact).  Unlike visits with normal friends they also got to see my boob each morning.  They were all very nice people who made the experience as pleasant as possible.  I've actually seen them a lot more than any of my actual friends or family (except the ones that live with me of course)!  Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to send me a quick note today to let me know you were thinking of me.  You have no idea how much I appreciated it!  And needed it today!

I wasn't prepared for how emotional I felt about finally reaching "the end" of my treatment.  Although at the same time, I also don't feel like this is the end, and maybe that's part of it, too.  I still have to do the hormone therapy for several years.  Yes, it's only taking a little pill everyday - nothing compared to what these last few months have entailed - but it's still part of the deal.  A little reminder every single day that I had breast cancer.  Plus, I will have lots of doctor appointments and screenings in my future.  And a lingering fear always in the background that I'm sure will bubble to the surface every so often.

It was all I could do to hold it together until I at least got out the door of the hospital.  By the time I got to my car I was falling apart and I had to have a nice hard, but quick, cry.  I figured anyone who saw me crying in the parking lot wouldn't think it was that weird since (a) it's a hospital and (b) my hair is still so short that "cancer patient" is a safe bet.  I was feeling so angry that this happened to me and my family.  I haven't really thought about it for quite a while now; I've been too busy living it every day.  I think the last time I was upset about everything was when I found out I should do chemo.  Then there was the last time I washed my hair before chopping it all off... I might have been a little upset.

It probably sounds weird that I did plenty of crying on a day when I should feel nothing but joy.  I'm guessing the only people who could truly understand this are the ones who've had a cancer diagnosis in their lifetime.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy to have reached this point.  I am definitely not sad to have this phase over.  I am sad that my life will never be quite like it was before.  But that's just part of life I suppose.  Perhaps it's disappointment that "it's over," except that it's actually not.

As I walked away from my last visit to the "Caution: High Radiation Area" I realized that I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last 8 months and now I can finally exhale... and apparently shed some tears, too.  I knew I was going to have a hard time at work.  Part of me wanted to call in and say I wasn't coming today.  But I knew my co-workers were excited for me to finish radiation and would worry if I didn't show up.

When I got to the top of the stairs at my office the first thing I saw was that there were balloons on my desk and a box of delicious maple bars.  Kathy jumped up to give me a hug and wish me congratulations and I just started crying and scared her half to death.  I couldn't help it.  It was too much.  There is something about other people going out of their way to do something special for you.  Poor Kathy thought I'd gotten bad news at my appointment or something terrible.  Luckily I was able to compose myself and convince her I was ok and that everything was really very good!  And thank her so much for the balloons and treats!  (Bryce likes the balloons, too!)

Our friend Lisa came in and was confused by my tears, too.  But then she was able to articulate what I couldn't at that moment... apparently she works the same way I do.   Now I am able to put it into words myself.

 

When there is a "crisis" you just get down to business and and do what you have to do.  You hold it together.  Emotion takes a back seat to action.  Eventually there is nothing left to be done to "fix" the problem.  And so, when you get through whatever trial you have faced, the emotions finally catch up and overtake you.  That is exactly how I felt today.