On to Rads...

On Thursday (April 23) I met with Dr. Tonya Kuhn, my radiation oncologist again.  The last time I saw her I didn't know if I was going to need to do chemo yet so it was a while ago!  Back when I had hair.

She said the radiation will be yet another insurance policy against any returning cancer.  For all intents and purposes, all the cancer cells were removed during my surgery... however, it is possible there could be something lurking in there that modern medicine has no way of identifying at this time, and so radiation is one more thing you can do to kill any abnormal cells.

She said I could start my radiation anytime starting the week of May 11... so May 11 it is!  I want to get started as soon as possible so that I can finish as soon as possible.  She is prescribing me 33 treatments... the first 28 treatments will be whole right breast radiation and the remaining 5 treatments will be concentrated on my lumpectomy site.  Assuming all stays on track, I should finish up my rads the week of June 22.  This makes me very happy because I will be all done before my cousin's wedding in July (and the bulk of summer, too, maybe we can even get a vacation in there!).

After meeting with Dr. Kuhn, I had my radiation simulation.  This is where they take 3-D images of your body using CT scan technology in order to map your body and figure out exactly where the radiation will be directed at each and every treatment.  The technician who performed my simulation was named Debbie and she was great at answering all my questions and explaining how it all worked.  I'd never hat a CT scan before but was told this is the same machine they use for other kinds, but I didn't have to have an IV or any dye injected into me so that was nice.

Debbie explained that the CT room is set up exactly like the radiation room, which is right next door.  Both rooms have a set of lasers, one on the ceiling and one on each side of the room.  They use the lasers to triangulate your body position so you are in as close to the exact position each time as possible.  Of course in order to do that they need to put some permanent marks your actual body that they can line those lasers up with.  And that is how I got my first tattoo.  She joked part of her job is to give the most expensive, least impressive, tattoos ever.

She had my lie down on the CT machine/table with my arms over my head and then put some special wire/tape in the spots where the tattoos would end up going.  The special tape shows up on the CT scan images.  Then it was time for the actual scan.  Not much to it... I just lay there and the table moved back through the doughnut-shaped machine.  I could hear it whirring and spinning.  I don't quite understand how it works, but after a few minutes the whirring stopped and Debbie came back in the room to do the tattooing.  At some point she'd made a couple marks on me with a sharpie where that special tape was.  The tape markers came off and she just did a tiny little injection (the needle looked like one used to give an insulin shot), then wiped the area with alcohol to make sure the ink was under the skin.

Now I have three tattoos.  One in the middle of my chest pretty much right between my cleavage and the other two are one on each side, kind of under my arm/outside my breasts.  They truly are very unimpressive and look like a tiny freckle.  That was all there was to the simulation.  The tech showed me the images and that was interesting.  The special tape showed up as little white dots on the screen.  She pointed out some of my organs which apparently are all where they are supposed to be so that is good.

Next she got me on the schedule and was even able to get me in the first time slot of the day which was nice.  I think I will be glad to just get it over with first thing each morning.  The only thing is I have been going in to work around 7 am and the first appointment they offer is at 8 am.  Since MSTI is right by my house it doesn't make sense to go to work, then back to the appointment, and then back to work.  So I will have to go into work a little later and stay a bit later - which is what I did when I had to get Claire off to school before Juan was in his "home office" so that is fine.

My very first appointment on May 11 will be at 9 am (can't remember why the first one had to be a bit later).  Every Monday I will meet with Dr. Kuhn after the treatment, but the rest of the week will just be the radiation... in and out.

I haven't watched my informational radiation DVD (I chose DVD over the class this time) but from what I already know it shouldn't be too bad.  Radiation does not cause side effects like chemo.  Chemo is systemic and it's in your blood stream and attacking all those different cells throughout your entire body... which is why you can feel so terrible (or just a little terrible like me) and lose your hair and things like that. 

Radiation is very specifically targeted to a specific area of your body and it so doesn't attack other kinds of cells in the way chemo does.  They use the lasers to line you up and angle the radiation machine in a very precise way so that the radiation will be passing through only my breast and touching other areas as little as possible.  That way it only damages the cells in that area, and it affects cancer cells more than the healthy cells.  It can cause irritation to the skin, like a sunburn, but most people I've talked to said it wasn't that bad.  Also it causes fatigue, which builds up over time.  Dr. Kuhn said she would expect me to tolerate it well... maybe be at 90% of my regular energy by the end so I can handle that.

No More Chemo!

It's a celebration!  I completed my final chemo treatment on Tuesday, April 21.  Now I just have to make it though my last weekend of feeling somewhat yucky and that will be that.  I will have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Bridges on May 21 where they will draw blood to make sure all my blood cells are building back up the way they should.

Everything went like normal for my infusion.  Juan and Beth kept me company and I even got a surprise visit from my friend Autumn.  It was great having friends there with me to celebrate getting through this!  I was surprised by how emotional I felt when it was all over and even had to wipe back a couple tears as Beth and I walked out the door.  They were definitely happy tears, or tears of relief to have this behind me... something like that.  I will NOT miss chemo, that is for sure!

I wanted to let the chemo nurses and staff know how much I appreciated all their good advice, kindness, and understanding and so I made a batch of cookies to take in with me.  They were a hit so it was worth it.  Plus the steroid had me pumped up the night before so I had plenty of energy for baking.

I went back yesterday for my final shot of Neulasta... glad to be done with those, too!  Luckily the Claritin has really helped (well, I assume it has) because I haven't had the "intense" bone pain that I was told could happen and did not sound fun at all.

I was pretty tired last night.  I haven't slept very well the last few nights because I've been pounding the water, which is good, but leads to frequent trips to the bathroom, and also I've been having these hot flashes which are getting pretty annoying and wake me up.  Plus, Carlo the annoying cat is not all that helpful either.  I'm feeling a little "off" today and sure by tonight I'll just want to sleep more.  I thought maybe I was having some neuropathy in my fingers but I think they are just cold.  I just feel like I can't concentrate all that well right now so I think I should stop typing and move on to the photographic evidence of this momentous event.

Claire and pink piggy wishing me well before my final treatment.  Claire's cousin Harkin gave her this piggy and he said I could take it to commemorate my final chemo, too.

Cookies for the MSTI nurses and staff.  Can you believe I didn't even taste one?  Juan did the QC for me and they were good to go.

I'm not really going to miss my box of meds on the kitchen counter!  I suppose I'll keep all this stuff around for a while but maybe not in such a conspicuous spot.

I was happy to have the pink piggy to with me.  He got many compliments (p.s. even though he's pink and I think the name tag said "Vivi" we've all determined it is a he).  Harkin said, "Piggy is a super hero of love here to take all your cancer away forever."  Amen to that!!!

I'm so lucky to have this guy by my side through all this crap.  I don't know what I would do without him!  Do you like our nearly matching heads?

I'm also so blessed to have had this kind and generous lady by my side every step of the way.

My last bag of chemo drugs!  We tried to get a picture of the monitor saying "COMPLETE" but the way it scrolls we couldn't get the whole things.  COMPLETE = HOORAY!!!

I was officially inducted into the "No Mo' Chemo" Club by my team of nurses. They brought over a singing card and did some dancing for me and I got to add my name to the list of those of us lucky enough to be done with our treatment.  Woo-hoo!!

Back at home Claire got to color in the final quarter of our chemo pie chart.  She also drew some pictures for me... there is one of me with my little tiny stubbly hair and an arrow to another head with more hair.  I think someone (besides me) is ready for me to have some hair again!

And so with that, one more step of this whole cancer crap is over.  Chemo was insurance policy #1 for cancer not returning in my body... check!  Now I move on to policy #2 which is my radiation treatment.  After that, I plan to do the hormone therapy (tamoxifen) and continue to pray it all works and remember to be thankful for each and every day I am blessed to be alive and healthy!

Embracing the Bald (sort of?) and Chemo-Eve

Yes, I'm going to write MORE about having no hair.  I feel like I've written and talked about it more than I should.  Don't worry, hopefully in the near future I will have hair again and then it won't be something that is on my mind all the time.  In the meantime, I think about it a lot, and then I think about why I think about it...

Maybe because losing your hair is probably the most obvious sign that you are doing chemo.  On a casual basis and out in public, other people aren't going to know if you are nauseous or your mouth feels like you burned it on every surface and ate sandpaper or metal for breakfast.  They can't tell that your bones are aching or your period has stopped.  They might notice you don't look so hot or you look tired, like maybe you are catching a cold.  Maybe they will think you overdid it with the blush (nope, that's just the steroid).  They have absolutely no idea the emotional roller coaster you have been and are still on!

But if you have a bald head, that is one thing pretty much anyone is going to notice right away whether they mean to or not.  It stands out - on a woman at least.  If you wear a wig, then it's likely no one will ever notice.  If you wear a cap/hat it's pretty clear what's going on... especially when you are indoors or it's warm outside.  If you wear a scarf or turban... yeah cancer.  If you have just have a bald head... holy cow.

This past weekend I embraced my bald head.  We did a lot of yard work and it was warm outside... much too warm to comfortably wear a hat.  After the first few minutes I didn't feel weird, even with the neighbors and a bunch of kids around.  My one little nephew did tell me I looked scary, but he is only 4 and has the cutest little voice so I didn't mind.  I asked him if Juan looked scary too but didn't catch the response.  On Saturday evening me and some girlfriends went out for a drink and we were talking about my hair/head and I took my hat off to show them and then I just left it off.  I did wear my hat to Claire's soccer game... it was windy/chilly and also with so many kids around I was afraid it might be disturbing.  Back at work I kept my hat on... I'm just not all the way there where I can embrace it all the time.  Luckily I won't have to worry about it for much longer!

I'm hoping this is my only "opportunity" in my life to be bald, so why not try to embrace it?  Ha ha!

So... chemo tomorrow, the last one in case you forgot that part!  That will kill more hair follicles for the next 2-3 weeks and hopefully after a month of no chemo it will start growing back in.  Will it be gray/white/silver?  This is still my fear and I think the chances are high.  Lots of the tiny hairs left on my head now are gray.

We had a nice weekend and I felt really good.  Juan's sister and her boys were in town and so we invited the Horvath clan over for dinner on Friday night.  The cousins had so much fun playing together.  On Saturday, we ventured to the markets in downtown Boise.  That afternoon, we had 4 cubic yards of rock delivered to our driveway.  That's quite a lot of rock!  Claire had a soccer game in the late afternoon and after that Dawn and I met Beth & Stephanie for one last pre-chemo drink.  On Sunday we worked on moving the rock to its intended locations around the house.  We had some help from our neighbors - THANK YOU!!!! - and got about half of the pile moved so still have some work to do.  I sent an email to our "friendly" HOA person letting them know we were working on this project and would get it moved as quickly as we can, but that I have Chemo on Tuesday and so we would really appreciate some forgiveness if it is there a bit longer than they would like (I'm not sure what the "rules" are about this but the way our neighborhood is they might send a letter to us since it's been more than 24 hours or something crazy.  I will not appreciate this and so trying to be proactive.)  Sunday night Blaine came over and after we got the kids to bed we watched the new Game of Thrones episode.  We ate one our remaining freezer meals... a beef vegetable soup and it was really good so thank you to whatever kind friend made it!

I was so happy to have a fun weekend before my last chemo treatment.  Even though I'm not looking forward to the sluggish weekend ahead, I can't tell you how good it feels to know this will be the last one!  Cheers to that!!

Thoughts Before My Final Chemo

My 4th and final chemo is next Tuesday!!!

My first infusion on February 17 seems like a long time ago.  I remember how nervous I was... wondering how I would feel and what side effects I would experience.  I sure have been lucky and the side effects have been minimal.  Of course, there are a few things that I've been warned sometimes happen after you finish all the chemo... the gift that keeps on giving... as long as the main gift is NO cancer I will try not to complain.  A couple things that tend to happen later include, possibly losing my eyebrows/eyelashes and loosening or even losing some finger or toe nails.  Hopefully I get to skip out on those, too, but only time will tell. {Update... I noticed the other morning there was pretty much a chunk missing from my left eyebrow... also there are a few bare spots in my eyelashes... we'll see how many decide to hang around in these next few weeks!}

I've had my shaved, nearly bald, head now for just over a month.  It feels like it has been a LOT longer than that.  I am surprised I haven't worn my wig at all.  I really thought I would wear it some, but it just feels weird to have no hair, then hair, then none.  Also I think the hats I've found are kind of cute.  But it gets old deciding what hat to wear... Does it clash?  Is it too match-matchy?  As the weather gets warmer, I've noticed that my head gets hot sometimes.  On top of that, I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing hot flashes.  So it feels quite good to have nothing on my head sometimes and that's what I do most of the time at home.  A couple nights ago it felt cold in the house though, and I woke up and had to put a cap on my chilly head! 

I have never completely lost all my hair and the little that is left still grows a little bit.  It feels kind of yucky so I just keep shaving it down as close as I can with Juan's electric razor.  I was thinking the other day it's so thin now maybe I should try shaving it with a regular razor again.  It's kind of how when you shave your legs (ladies will understand) and they feel all nice and smooth vs. prickly.  My head is prickly and smooth would feel kind of good.

I don't quite feel comfortable being outside or going places with nothing though.  I think it's more because it is startling to other people to see a woman with a bald head.  I feel like I need to warn people.  Like the other day I was outside with a hooded sweatshirt (no hat) and my neighbor wanted to show me something in her house... I took my hood off when we went inside and immediately felt like I had to warn her she was about to see my bald head.  Of course she didn't care and even complimented my lovely cranium.  Still, to turn around and see your friend all bald can be somewhat shocking.  My other neighbor happened to come outside while I was BBQ-ing on the patio last night (in the backyard where usually there are no other people)... I'm sure I surprised him.  It's kind of good though because as I mentioned with the warmer weather, I think the chances of me going sans-hat, at least near the house, are pretty good, so this way at least the neighbors I know and see the most will have already seen me in my natural state.  Also my scalp needs some vitamin D.  It's pretty white and although my face isn't tan yet, it is still darker than the skin on my head and if it was a little more uniform that would probably be a good thing.

I have thought about the concept of a woman with a bald head in our society a lot since I found out I was going to be one.  I never realized how many magazine articles were devoted to women and their hair until I didn't have any (hair, that is).  Nearly every women's magazine has at least a couple articles or blurbs about it.  This is not just "fashion" magazines but home and garden ones, too.

They cover the best hair products... how to protect your hair... ideas for hairstyles... cute hair accessories... how to make your hair look like celebrity X or celebrity X's new haircut... which haircut is best for your face... how to make your hair shiny/curly/straight/etc... it goes on and on.  They never mention shaving your head as one of the "hot new hairstyles for summer," and the only time a celebrity shaves her head is (a) for a movie role that they will get paid a ridiculous amount of money (b) due to a medical condition, usually cancer/chemo or (c) they are actually certifiably crazy.  I've heard lots of celebrities wear wigs, but even if this is true, they probably don't have shaved heads underneath.

It is just not common to see a woman who is bald or has a shaved head in a day-to-day setting.  When was the last time you saw one?  I see them at MSTI pretty regularly.  We went out for dinner the other night and there was a woman like me, in a hat, and it was clear there was no hair under it.  She was probably around my age, maybe a little younger, and trying to corral a ~2 year old while an older child celebrated a birthday.  You may have seen a woman wearing a wig and probably never noticed.  It's pretty hard to tell unless you are really close and also are looking for it.  Unless it's a really bad wig, that is.  There was a man at MSTI my last visit who had a very obvious, very bad, wig.  It was long and blonde and not natural looking in the least.  I would love to know his story!  Did he have long hair before?  Does he always wear it?  He looked pretty manly other than his odd wig choice.

It's not so rare to see a man with a shaved or bald head and doesn't even garner a second look.  Of course at our house Juan and I both have shaved heads!  Our neighbor shaves his head.  Lately Tyler has been doing it regularly.  Several of Juan's friends do it sometimes.  I remember the first time Juan shaved his head right down to the scalp... it took a little getting used to but not much.  I ponder why it's ok for men to have no hair, but not women.  Maybe because men are more prone to going bald naturally as they age than women?  Why do women traditionally have longer hair?  At what point in time did it become preferable for men to have short hair?  Cave men didn't cut their hair.  People seem to think Jesus had long hair.  Of course some guys do have long(er) hair now, too, but even that is more "normal" than a woman with a shaved head.  I am going to research the history of barbering and let you know what I discover.

There are some good things about having no hair.  You can take a really fast shower.  It only takes about 3 seconds for your "hair" to dry.  You never have to worry about curling or straightening it... or combing it for that matter.  You don't have to spend money on any products (but you will probably spend money on wigs and/or hats).  Your kid can't pull your hair in a fit of crazy rage because you won't let him play with your phone.  You never have a bad hair day... or perhaps every day is a bad hair day, depending on your attitude.  So maybe it's unfortunate that it's basically not socially acceptable for a woman to shave her head without a medical reason.  Some of you might really enjoy it (if you didn't feel like a freak every time you passed a mirror).  I only feel like a freak sometimes at this point.  Mostly I feel normal, but sometimes I catch a glimpse and think this is not right!  It will definitely be nice to have more hair on my head again.  I'm sure I'll hate it at points during the growing out phase, but hopefully not so much that I want to shave it off again!  Also an annoying thing about shaving your head is you have to do it often too keep it feeling/looking nice. 

It will be interesting to see how long it takes for my hair to really start growing again.  It would be so very nice if by July (my cousin's wedding) I have enough hair that it might look like a super-duper short pixie cut rather than someone just liberated from a concentration camp.

Some other positives related to (lack of) hair growth... I barely have to shave my legs these days.  I probably wouldn't really have to at all, but I like them super smooth and apparently the hair is still growing a little bit just really slowly.  I can get by doing it maybe once a week or less and even then there isn't even what you could truly call stubble.  I like this quite a lot.  Same goes with under my arms and bikini and it's probably growing even less/slower than my legs in those areas.  Nice!  For those who need to know everything, I do still have some nose hair, but not much.

I'm pretty sure my period is officially on hiatus.  I suppose the hot flashes are related to that.  I've been kind of tired this week and can't stay awake past 8 or 9 o'clock apparently.  My left eye is extra teary again.  Other than those things, I'm feeling very good as I go into my final chemo.  We are supposed to have great weather this weekend.  We are going to have a project to keep us though because I have 4 cubic yards of rock scheduled for delivery on Saturday!  We'll probably wish the weather was cooler.  I'm so glad I don't have a cold or anything this time so that I can feel good this weekend!  I'm much less whiney as a result.

Brother and Sisters Time

Two weekends ago my brother and his family came to visit us.  I was pretty worn out on Friday when they arrived, but I was still able to enjoy their company.  Saturday I didn't feel too terrible... I was moving pretty slow (which may have contributed to our missing the Easter egg hunt).  I felt up to going to Claire's soccer game and also to Cole & Charlie's birthday party dinner.  Sunday morning (Easter) was the day I could tell I had been feeling not-great because I noticed how much better I felt!  We had a lovely Easter breakfast at Tyler & Dawn's house before Pat & Aileen had to leave for the airport.  Andrea and her family came over, too, so all the siblings were together again!

Front: Claire, Harrison, Aileen | Back: Jade, me, Patrick, Andrea

Aileen added to our freezer supply in the short time she was here... she prepared a bunch of stir-fry that we just have to take out and stir-fry up and eat.  Thank you so much!  We were all sad when they had to head back to Renton.  Harrison is such a sweet boy and changes so much between every visit.  We miss having them live close by for sure!  Hopefully we can go visit them sometime this year.

Chemo #3.... Three Down, One to Go!

Chemo #3 went well again yesterday.  Despite my stupid cold (which does seem nearly gone) all my blood cell counts were good.  My white cells were actually a little high... that Neulasta shot is really doing it's job!  I got another shot today.  My Hemoglobin (iron) was slightly low again, but not enough to delay treatment.  Mostly it felt good to get this one done and know that I only will have one more left!  Thank you to Juan and Megan for keeping me company!!  I felt pretty tired last night and also today.

My final treatment is scheduled for April 21st.  I have an appointment with Dr. Kuhn, my radiation oncologist, on April 23rd to get things rolling for radiation and will also have my "simulation" that day.  I think that is the day I get my tattoo(s).  I think I will be able to have my port removed shortly after the final chemo so that will be nice, too.  I am glad I had the port.  It does make the blood draws and infusions so very simple and I haven't been bothered by it much.  I won't really miss it though!  Claire colored in the next quarter of our pie chart.

I was so sad to learn from Claire when she got home from school yesterday that her music teacher at school was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  I've only briefly met this teacher once, but Claire really likes her and talks to her a lot.  When Claire told her about me, her teacher told her how she had two sisters who both had breast cancer but they were both healthy now.  I know Claire talks to her about what is going on at home and have been thankful this teacher is so kind.  And now we find out she has it.  It really sucks and I have been feeling so sad about it since I found out.

Here is a picture of Claire with her (nearly) bald mommy.  My head is really white!  She tells me every so often how pretty I look, but also how I shouldn't keep my hair quite this short once it starts growing back.  It's very sweet.  I'm pretty sure she's saying it more to convince herself than me.  Bryce now says to me, "Mommy... your hair is falling down."  It's part statement/part question the way he says it.  Then he usually wants to pat my head.