{Update: Everything looked... errr... felt? great at my appointment with Dr. Kuhn last week so I'm good for another 6 months and then in April I will have another mammogram on the right and an MRI.}
Is it just me, or do most people find themselves reliving things when you reach that milestone of another year gone by? I think it must be part of human nature. That would explain why we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries of marriage and other things.
The day each of my children were born. My kids are still fairly young, so these days are still relatively fresh in my memory I suppose. I can't help but to remember the details of that day each year. At this time I was walking around the hospital. At this time I was still really, really pregnant. At this time my sister-in-law said I was probably in labor and should go home and rest. At this time I said I think we'd better go to the hospital now! At this time I was debating getting an epidural. At this time I was thinking the baby was never going to come out. At this time I got to hold sweet Claire for the first time. At this time I was having a staring contest with newborn Bryce. I was a mom... responsible for another human life! It goes on all day. At some point I usually sit quietly and try to just relive the whole day in one sitting.
My wedding day. Twelve years ago and it's still pretty fresh, too. I woke up and thought, today I am getting married! I sliced strawberries. My mom's friend made me the most delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've ever eaten in my life. I drank crappy wine straight from the bottle with my girlfriends. I ruined my nails putting torches in buckets of sand. I had my hair and make-up done. I sweltered in my dress, it was so hot that day. My dad walked me down the aisle. I said, "I do." Juan said, "I do." We kissed. We danced. We drank. The septic overflowed. We drank more!!!
There are also a handful of sad days I remember each year. Not necessarily the exact date usually, but the month or season. It was in November, April, December... I was sitting at my desk when Juan called me... my mom emailed me... my dad called me. (I'm always at work when I get bad news!!) Joyce gave me a hug while I cried. I stared out the window unable to comprehend that he was no longer on this Earth. I shut my door. I left. I went home.
There are also days we all remember. 9/11... I was driving to work when I heard about an airplane crashing into the Twin Towers. I didn't quite understand what had really happened. Work was CRAZY! Phones ringing off the hook... people wanting to donate blood or send things to NYC. Everyone wanted to hold a blood drive, and right now, too! Donors literally lined up out the door. I'd worked here less than a year. We watched a little old TV in horror and disbelief such a thing could happen.
And now I have a slew of cancer anniversary dates. They are piling up in front of me. I'm assuming as time goes by, most of the exact dates will fade from memory. This year, they jump out at me from the calendar. October 7. October 31. November 4. November 10. January 7. February 17. April 21. June 25. Most are still yet to come, but I know I will remember what happened on each of those dates. I might relive some of them here in writing as well. I will think about my blissful ignorance the day, the moment, before that date. Before the phone call... before the appointment...
It makes me sad. I'm not sure why. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I feel good, and normal. I even have hair. For all intents and purposes I have been declared cancer-free. So why do I feel like I could cry when I even think about those days?
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Isn't It Ironic
How ironic this should be in the headlines on CNN today:
New Breast Cancer Guidelines: Screen later, less often
This article has more detailed information, too.
This part was particularly disturbing to me: "...and that everyone can skip the routine manual breast checks by doctors." Since my doctor actually was the one to find the lump in my breast last year it seems kind of important... especially if you don't know exactly what you are looking for when you do a self-exam, which pretty much every woman my age I've ever talked to has said.
Ladies reading this... please continue to let your doctor do an exam just in case! I don't understand why they would recommend not doing this... It doesn't cost any extra money... and if you are already going to see your doctor who has been trained to do a clinical breast exam, why would you not have it done while you are there?
This morning I had my first follow-up mammograms. It was my first time back to the breast imaging center since my surgery in January.
It was so nice to hear that the radiologist said they looked just as they would expect and nothing concerning to be seen. At the same time... the mammograms I had last year also looked normal. It was ONLY because my doctor had felt that lump that I also had an ultrasound which did show an abnormality. Because of this, I don't have a lot of confidence in my mammogram... I guess I have more on an issue regarding "younger" women and mammograms because I worry they won't show anything... that's more concerning to me than showing something that turns out to be nothing.
One of the primary reasons for the new guidelines according to the article above is that the chance of false positives is higher in women under age 45. "The chances of false positives are especially high for women under 45, as they have denser breasts and tumors are harder to spot on an image. "If she starts screening at age 40, she increases the risk that she'll need a breast cancer biopsy that turns out with the doctor saying 'You don't have cancer, so sorry we put you through all this,'" Brawley said."
So, my take is they are saying the mammogram could show an abnormality of some sort, which could require a biopsy, which very likely would turn out to be nothing and thus you went through that stress for nothing. And for this reason, we just shouldn't screen women under 45 at all.
Being told you need to have a biopsy is very stressful. Having a biopsy is scary because it might hurt and they are going to stick a needle in your boob. Not something that sounds (or is) fun. But the real reason it is scary and stressful, is that you might have cancer! You might play off that you are mostly scared it will hurt, but I think most people are more scared about the cancer part.
It is unfortunate that we don't have a screening test that would tell you right up front if a mass was cancer or not. It is unfortunate that a woman might go through the stress and worry of having a biopsy "for no reason." But I'm jealous of that woman. I wish I would have gone through my biopsy for nothing. I wish I would have gotten a call from someone saying, "Sorry we put your through this, it's not cancer." In my mind, it really isn't for nothing, it's to make certain you don't have cancer.
Maybe I would have been annoyed I had to go through all that for what turned out to be nothing. Mostly I think I would have felt relief and gratitude! Because after you have a biopsy, all you think about is if you have cancer or not. Maybe your boob is a little sore and you have to ice it, but mostly that just reminds you that you might have cancer.
And you wait for the phone to ring. And when it doesn't, you call the office to ask if they have your results yet (no). And then after forcing yourself to wait until at least 2 o'clock, you call back the next day, too (hey, they said 2-4 days and we're in that time frame!). And you try to imagine what it will be like when they finally do call. You imagine them saying, good news, it's nothing. Sorry you had to go through this. Hearing those words would be totally awesome. I guess I did get to hear that after my second biopsy. It was awesome. I didn't feel angry that I had to have the biopsy, I just felt thankful there was no more cancer. Although at the same time, I already had cancer so it was a slightly different experience.
And so, in my mind, that reasoning is kind of a load of crap. I'm pretty sure most women under the age of 45 who has been diagnosed with cancer might agree. What is scary to me is to think about the woman who might have had cancer detected by a mammogram or clinical breast exam when it was in an early stage. But she didn't, and by the time they find it, it has spread and her prognosis is much more grim and treatment much more intense.
Research shows that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. That seems like a lot. And that is based on the sole "risk factor" of being female. I hope that despite these new guidelines, insurance companies will continue to cover breast cancer screening for women age 40-45 if they choose to be screened. I really hope they can keep improving the technology to detect breast cancer (and all cancers). And to any woman who is mad that she had to go through the stress of a biopsy or other tests only to be told she does not have cancer, you might want to reassess and realize how thankful you should be.
New Breast Cancer Guidelines: Screen later, less often
This article has more detailed information, too.
This part was particularly disturbing to me: "...and that everyone can skip the routine manual breast checks by doctors." Since my doctor actually was the one to find the lump in my breast last year it seems kind of important... especially if you don't know exactly what you are looking for when you do a self-exam, which pretty much every woman my age I've ever talked to has said.
Ladies reading this... please continue to let your doctor do an exam just in case! I don't understand why they would recommend not doing this... It doesn't cost any extra money... and if you are already going to see your doctor who has been trained to do a clinical breast exam, why would you not have it done while you are there?
This morning I had my first follow-up mammograms. It was my first time back to the breast imaging center since my surgery in January.
It was so nice to hear that the radiologist said they looked just as they would expect and nothing concerning to be seen. At the same time... the mammograms I had last year also looked normal. It was ONLY because my doctor had felt that lump that I also had an ultrasound which did show an abnormality. Because of this, I don't have a lot of confidence in my mammogram... I guess I have more on an issue regarding "younger" women and mammograms because I worry they won't show anything... that's more concerning to me than showing something that turns out to be nothing.
One of the primary reasons for the new guidelines according to the article above is that the chance of false positives is higher in women under age 45. "The chances of false positives are especially high for women under 45, as they have denser breasts and tumors are harder to spot on an image. "If she starts screening at age 40, she increases the risk that she'll need a breast cancer biopsy that turns out with the doctor saying 'You don't have cancer, so sorry we put you through all this,'" Brawley said."
So, my take is they are saying the mammogram could show an abnormality of some sort, which could require a biopsy, which very likely would turn out to be nothing and thus you went through that stress for nothing. And for this reason, we just shouldn't screen women under 45 at all.
Being told you need to have a biopsy is very stressful. Having a biopsy is scary because it might hurt and they are going to stick a needle in your boob. Not something that sounds (or is) fun. But the real reason it is scary and stressful, is that you might have cancer! You might play off that you are mostly scared it will hurt, but I think most people are more scared about the cancer part.
It is unfortunate that we don't have a screening test that would tell you right up front if a mass was cancer or not. It is unfortunate that a woman might go through the stress and worry of having a biopsy "for no reason." But I'm jealous of that woman. I wish I would have gone through my biopsy for nothing. I wish I would have gotten a call from someone saying, "Sorry we put your through this, it's not cancer." In my mind, it really isn't for nothing, it's to make certain you don't have cancer.
Maybe I would have been annoyed I had to go through all that for what turned out to be nothing. Mostly I think I would have felt relief and gratitude! Because after you have a biopsy, all you think about is if you have cancer or not. Maybe your boob is a little sore and you have to ice it, but mostly that just reminds you that you might have cancer.
And you wait for the phone to ring. And when it doesn't, you call the office to ask if they have your results yet (no). And then after forcing yourself to wait until at least 2 o'clock, you call back the next day, too (hey, they said 2-4 days and we're in that time frame!). And you try to imagine what it will be like when they finally do call. You imagine them saying, good news, it's nothing. Sorry you had to go through this. Hearing those words would be totally awesome. I guess I did get to hear that after my second biopsy. It was awesome. I didn't feel angry that I had to have the biopsy, I just felt thankful there was no more cancer. Although at the same time, I already had cancer so it was a slightly different experience.
And so, in my mind, that reasoning is kind of a load of crap. I'm pretty sure most women under the age of 45 who has been diagnosed with cancer might agree. What is scary to me is to think about the woman who might have had cancer detected by a mammogram or clinical breast exam when it was in an early stage. But she didn't, and by the time they find it, it has spread and her prognosis is much more grim and treatment much more intense.
Research shows that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. That seems like a lot. And that is based on the sole "risk factor" of being female. I hope that despite these new guidelines, insurance companies will continue to cover breast cancer screening for women age 40-45 if they choose to be screened. I really hope they can keep improving the technology to detect breast cancer (and all cancers). And to any woman who is mad that she had to go through the stress of a biopsy or other tests only to be told she does not have cancer, you might want to reassess and realize how thankful you should be.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Mammograms on the Horizon
My first post-cancer mammograms and breast exam are coming up next week. They have me feeling a bit disconcerted. Am I nervous? Maybe, a little bit? I am not nervous for the actual procedure, it's really not that terrible and rather quick. I'm mostly afraid of how my heart will be racing while I sit in that little waiting area while the radiologist looks at my films. What if the nurse comes back in and says, the doctor needs a couple more pictures or, heaven forbid, an ultrasound. That would mean she sees something that shouldn't be there.
Then I think that can't happen. I had surgery. I did radiation to reduce the risk of a local recurrence, and I did freaking chemo on top of that. Cancer is not allowed to come back and the chance of it coming back is very, very low for me. I can't remember the exact numbers I was left with after all my treatments, but it was low.
Yet as I type this, inside I start to think, but it could happen. It happens to other people, and there is no reason I am excluded from the pool. It's the same thoughts I had last year. I vividly remember chatting with Dawn as I waited for test results and both of us saying, I'm sure it will all be fine. They say most breast lumps turn out to be nothing of concern. I shouldn't worry...
And then I said, or maybe not. Of all the women I know in my life, no one I'm really close to has had it. Someone's going to get it. The statistics say so (although I admit I didn't know the actual statistics). But someone I know well is going to get breast cancer someday. My mom? An aunt? A friend from high school? College? Dinner club? Work? Why not me? I could be the one to get it, because someone is going to. I think I felt like it would be easier to hear bad news if I was sort of prepared for it. In the end I don't think it really made a difference.
So, basically I'm just trying to not think about next week too much. I have no reason to think there might be a problem. No lump like last year so even though this will be a diagnostic mammogram (I think they are diagnostic for at least the next couple years) it seems to me it's more of a screening. I think what is hard to think about is that even though my risk is low at this point and I've heard breast cancer rarely comes back in the same or other breast, I know it can come back, and I feel like my risk was low in the first place, and it still happened anyway. Life's a crap shoot... I think that's pretty much what it comes down to in the end.
Then I think that can't happen. I had surgery. I did radiation to reduce the risk of a local recurrence, and I did freaking chemo on top of that. Cancer is not allowed to come back and the chance of it coming back is very, very low for me. I can't remember the exact numbers I was left with after all my treatments, but it was low.
Yet as I type this, inside I start to think, but it could happen. It happens to other people, and there is no reason I am excluded from the pool. It's the same thoughts I had last year. I vividly remember chatting with Dawn as I waited for test results and both of us saying, I'm sure it will all be fine. They say most breast lumps turn out to be nothing of concern. I shouldn't worry...
And then I said, or maybe not. Of all the women I know in my life, no one I'm really close to has had it. Someone's going to get it. The statistics say so (although I admit I didn't know the actual statistics). But someone I know well is going to get breast cancer someday. My mom? An aunt? A friend from high school? College? Dinner club? Work? Why not me? I could be the one to get it, because someone is going to. I think I felt like it would be easier to hear bad news if I was sort of prepared for it. In the end I don't think it really made a difference.
So, basically I'm just trying to not think about next week too much. I have no reason to think there might be a problem. No lump like last year so even though this will be a diagnostic mammogram (I think they are diagnostic for at least the next couple years) it seems to me it's more of a screening. I think what is hard to think about is that even though my risk is low at this point and I've heard breast cancer rarely comes back in the same or other breast, I know it can come back, and I feel like my risk was low in the first place, and it still happened anyway. Life's a crap shoot... I think that's pretty much what it comes down to in the end.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
One Year Ago Today | 10/7/14
One year ago today - October 7, 2014 - I had my annual checkup with Dr. Fealko (my awesome doctor who saved my life when I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding internally even though I didn't know it, and then a little over a year later she delivered the Brycer).
One year ago today I fasted so that I could have a blood panel taken to make sure my cholesterol and glucose and all that stuff looked good.
One year ago today Dr. Fealko said I wouldn't need to have a pap for another five years which sounded great to me!
One year ago today I got my flu shot.
One year ago today Dr. Fealko said, do you do a self breast exam every month?
One year ago today she said she felt a little lump. She said it was probably nothing as I had lots of dense tissue.
One year ago today she said I should get a mammogram just in case, and they would do an ultrasound, but don't freak out when they say they need to do that too because it's just standard procedure to do both. She said I'd probably have to do it at the downtown location because that is where they do the diagnostic mammograms and I had no idea what that even meant.
One year ago today I said, OK, and didn't really think much of it other than it was an inconvenience.
One year ago today I fasted so that I could have a blood panel taken to make sure my cholesterol and glucose and all that stuff looked good.
One year ago today Dr. Fealko said I wouldn't need to have a pap for another five years which sounded great to me!
One year ago today I got my flu shot.
One year ago today Dr. Fealko said, do you do a self breast exam every month?
One year ago today she said she felt a little lump. She said it was probably nothing as I had lots of dense tissue.
One year ago today she said I should get a mammogram just in case, and they would do an ultrasound, but don't freak out when they say they need to do that too because it's just standard procedure to do both. She said I'd probably have to do it at the downtown location because that is where they do the diagnostic mammograms and I had no idea what that even meant.
One year ago today I said, OK, and didn't really think much of it other than it was an inconvenience.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Wanna Cry? Watch this.
This was posted on a Facebook page I am a member of for young women with breast cancer.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)