Anniversaries

{Update:  Everything looked... errr... felt? great at my appointment with Dr. Kuhn last week so I'm good for another 6 months and then in April I will have another mammogram on the right and an MRI.}

Is it just me, or do most people find themselves reliving things when you reach that milestone of another year gone by?  I think it must be part of human nature.  That would explain why we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries of marriage and other things.

The day each of my children were born.  My kids are still fairly young, so these days are still relatively fresh in my memory I suppose.  I can't help but to remember the details of that day each year.  At this time I was walking around the hospital.  At this time I was still really, really pregnant.  At this time my sister-in-law said I was probably in labor and should go home and rest.  At this time I said I think we'd better go to the hospital now!  At this time I was debating getting an epidural.  At this time I was thinking the baby was never going to come out.  At this time I got to hold sweet Claire for the first time.  At this time I was having a staring contest with newborn Bryce.  I was a mom... responsible for another human life!  It goes on all day.  At some point I usually sit quietly and try to just relive the whole day in one sitting.

My wedding day.  Twelve years ago and it's still pretty fresh, too.  I woke up and thought, today I am getting married!  I sliced strawberries.  My mom's friend made me the most delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've ever eaten in my life.  I drank crappy wine straight from the bottle with my girlfriends.  I ruined my nails putting torches in buckets of sand.  I had my hair and make-up done.  I sweltered in my dress, it was so hot that day.  My dad walked me down the aisle.  I said, "I do."  Juan said, "I do."  We kissed.  We danced.  We drank.  The septic overflowed.  We drank more!!!

There are also a handful of sad days I remember each year.  Not necessarily the exact date usually, but the month or season.  It was in November, April, December...  I was sitting at my desk when Juan called me... my mom emailed me... my dad called me.  (I'm always at work when I get bad news!!)  Joyce gave me a hug while I cried.  I stared out the window unable to comprehend that he was no longer on this Earth.  I shut my door.  I left.  I went home.

There are also days we all remember.  9/11... I was driving to work when I heard about an airplane crashing into the Twin Towers.  I didn't quite understand what had really happened.  Work was CRAZY!  Phones ringing off the hook... people wanting to donate blood or send things to NYC.  Everyone wanted to hold a blood drive, and right now, too!  Donors literally lined up out the door.  I'd worked here less than a year.  We watched a little old TV in horror and disbelief such a thing could happen.

And now I have a slew of cancer anniversary dates.  They are piling up in front of me.  I'm assuming as time goes by, most of the exact dates will fade from memory.  This year, they jump out at me from the calendar.  October 7.  October 31.  November 4.  November 10.  January 7.  February 17.  April 21.  June 25.  Most are still yet to come, but I know I will remember what happened on each of those dates.  I might relive some of them here in writing as well.  I will think about my blissful ignorance the day, the moment, before that date.  Before the phone call... before the appointment...

It makes me sad.  I'm not sure why.  I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'm healthy.  I feel good, and normal.  I even have hair.  For all intents and purposes I have been declared cancer-free.  So why do I feel like I could cry when I even think about those days?