My 4th and final chemo is next Tuesday!!!
My first infusion on February 17 seems like a long time ago. I remember how nervous I was... wondering how I would feel and what side effects I would experience. I sure have been lucky and the side effects have been minimal. Of course, there are a few things that I've been warned sometimes happen after you finish all the chemo... the gift that keeps on giving... as long as the main gift is NO cancer I will try not to complain. A couple things that tend to happen later include, possibly losing my eyebrows/eyelashes and loosening or even losing some finger or toe nails. Hopefully I get to skip out on those, too, but only time will tell. {Update... I noticed the other morning there was pretty much a chunk missing from my left eyebrow... also there are a few bare spots in my eyelashes... we'll see how many decide to hang around in these next few weeks!}
I've had my shaved, nearly bald, head now for just over a month. It feels like it has been a LOT longer than that. I am surprised I haven't worn my wig at all. I really thought I would wear it some, but it just feels weird to have no hair, then hair, then none. Also I think the hats I've found are kind of cute. But it gets old deciding what hat to wear... Does it clash? Is it too match-matchy? As the weather gets warmer, I've noticed that my head gets hot sometimes. On top of that, I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing hot flashes. So it feels quite good to have nothing on my head sometimes and that's what I do most of the time at home. A couple nights ago it felt cold in the house though, and I woke up and had to put a cap on my chilly head!
I have never completely lost all my hair and the little that is left still grows a little bit. It feels kind of yucky so I just keep shaving it down as close as I can with Juan's electric razor. I was thinking the other day it's so thin now maybe I should try shaving it with a regular razor again. It's kind of how when you shave your legs (ladies will understand) and they feel all nice and smooth vs. prickly. My head is prickly and smooth would feel kind of good.
I don't quite feel comfortable being outside or going places with nothing though. I think it's more because it is startling to other people to see a woman with a bald head. I feel like I need to warn people. Like the other day I was outside with a hooded sweatshirt (no hat) and my neighbor wanted to show me something in her house... I took my hood off when we went inside and immediately felt like I had to warn her she was about to see my bald head. Of course she didn't care and even complimented my lovely cranium. Still, to turn around and see your friend all bald can be somewhat shocking. My other neighbor happened to come outside while I was BBQ-ing on the patio last night (in the backyard where usually there are no other people)... I'm sure I surprised him. It's kind of good though because as I mentioned with the warmer weather, I think the chances of me going sans-hat, at least near the house, are pretty good, so this way at least the neighbors I know and see the most will have already seen me in my natural state. Also my scalp needs some vitamin D. It's pretty white and although my face isn't tan yet, it is still darker than the skin on my head and if it was a little more uniform that would probably be a good thing.
I have thought about the concept of a woman with a bald head in our society a lot since I found out I was going to be one. I never realized how many magazine articles were devoted to women and their hair until I didn't have any (hair, that is). Nearly every women's magazine has at least a couple articles or blurbs about it. This is not just "fashion" magazines but home and garden ones, too.
They cover the best hair products... how to protect your hair... ideas for hairstyles... cute hair accessories... how to make your hair look like celebrity X or celebrity X's new haircut... which haircut is best for your face... how to make your hair shiny/curly/straight/etc... it goes on and on. They never mention shaving your head as one of the "hot new hairstyles for summer," and the only time a celebrity shaves her head is (a) for a movie role that they will get paid a ridiculous amount of money (b) due to a medical condition, usually cancer/chemo or (c) they are actually certifiably crazy. I've heard lots of celebrities wear wigs, but even if this is true, they probably don't have shaved heads underneath.
It is just not common to see a woman who is bald or has a shaved head in a day-to-day setting. When was the last time you saw one? I see them at MSTI pretty regularly. We went out for dinner the other night and there was a woman like me, in a hat, and it was clear there was no hair under it. She was probably around my age, maybe a little younger, and trying to corral a ~2 year old while an older child celebrated a birthday. You may have seen a woman wearing a wig and probably never noticed. It's pretty hard to tell unless you are really close and also are looking for it. Unless it's a really bad wig, that is. There was a man at MSTI my last visit who had a very obvious, very bad, wig. It was long and blonde and not natural looking in the least. I would love to know his story! Did he have long hair before? Does he always wear it? He looked pretty manly other than his odd wig choice.
It's not so rare to see a man with a shaved or bald head and doesn't even garner a second look. Of course at our house Juan and I both have shaved heads! Our neighbor shaves his head. Lately Tyler has been doing it regularly. Several of Juan's friends do it sometimes. I remember the first time Juan shaved his head right down to the scalp... it took a little getting used to but not much. I ponder why it's ok for men to have no hair, but not women. Maybe because men are more prone to going bald naturally as they age than women? Why do women traditionally have longer hair? At what point in time did it become preferable for men to have short hair? Cave men didn't cut their hair. People seem to think Jesus had long hair. Of course some guys do have long(er) hair now, too, but even that is more "normal" than a woman with a shaved head. I am going to research the history of barbering and let you know what I discover.
There are some good things about having no hair. You can take a really fast shower. It only takes about 3 seconds for your "hair" to dry. You never have to worry about curling or straightening it... or combing it for that matter. You don't have to spend money on any products (but you will probably spend money on wigs and/or hats). Your kid can't pull your hair in a fit of crazy rage because you won't let him play with your phone. You never have a bad hair day... or perhaps every day is a bad hair day, depending on your attitude. So maybe it's unfortunate that it's basically not socially acceptable for a woman to shave her head without a medical reason. Some of you might really enjoy it (if you didn't feel like a freak every time you passed a mirror). I only feel like a freak sometimes at this point. Mostly I feel normal, but sometimes I catch a glimpse and think this is not right! It will definitely be nice to have more hair on my head again. I'm sure I'll hate it at points during the growing out phase, but hopefully not so much that I want to shave it off again! Also an annoying thing about shaving your head is you have to do it often too keep it feeling/looking nice.
It will be interesting to see how long it takes for my hair to really start growing again. It would be so very nice if by July (my cousin's wedding) I have enough hair that it might look like a super-duper short pixie cut rather than someone just liberated from a concentration camp.
Some other positives related to (lack of) hair growth... I barely have to shave my legs these days. I probably wouldn't really have to at all, but I like them super smooth and apparently the hair is still growing a little bit just really slowly. I can get by doing it maybe once a week or less and even then there isn't even what you could truly call stubble. I like this quite a lot. Same goes with under my arms and bikini and it's probably growing even less/slower than my legs in those areas. Nice! For those who need to know everything, I do still have some nose hair, but not much.
I'm pretty sure my period is officially on hiatus. I suppose the hot flashes are related to that. I've been kind of tired this week and can't stay awake past 8 or 9 o'clock apparently. My left eye is extra teary again. Other than those things, I'm feeling very good as I go into my final chemo. We are supposed to have great weather this weekend. We are going to have a project to keep us though because I have 4 cubic yards of rock scheduled for delivery on Saturday! We'll probably wish the weather was cooler. I'm so glad I don't have a cold or anything this time so that I can feel good this weekend! I'm much less whiney as a result.
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