One Week Out

Yesterday I went back to have blood drawn and tested to see how all my cell counts looked.  Everything looked great so that was encouraging news.  My white blood cell count, which was 3.2 prior to chemo last week was up to 22.  Yay!  The nurse practitioner said it looked the Neulasta definitely did it's job!  I don't remember the other numbers but they were all in the normal range.

The follow-up appointment went like this... check in, go back and have blood taken via my port, then meet with the nurse practitioner, then meet with the social worker, then schedule next chemo and done.  There was a fair amount of waiting between most of those steps.

The nurse practitioner was nice.  Among other questions, I asked if I wanted to have a glass of wine or something like that with dinner one night would that be ok?  She said she wasn't sure what Dr. Bridges would say but that yes, there was really no problem with that.  I laughed and said it was a good answer because I'd already confided to Beth that even if they said no, I probably would do it anyway if I really wanted one.  I don't know if I'll ever even want one, but who knows I might.

We discussed any side effects I had and she said that most likely my next treatment will be similar.  Hopefully that holds true because this one really went well.  I said, "So I was thinking maybe since I didn't have any nausea, then maybe I might not lose my hair either."  She didn't hesitate to shoot that thought down... nope, the hair will fall out, probably by my next treatment.

Apparently you just can't get around that.  Although I've read (and Beth had told me about) these "cold caps" that some people use where you basically freeze your head before, during, and after the chemo session (like for hours) and often times those people don't lose their hair, or at least not as much.  It's too late for me because I've already had my first treatment, and come to find out that's all it takes.  Honestly, when I read more about the process, for me personally, I don't think it would worth the effort, expense, or discomfort anyway.

I am by no means looking forward to losing my hair, but I guess I am not as freaked out as I thought I might be.  I'm sure when I'm holding a handful of my own hair I will, without a doubt, be freaking out very much.  I'm actually kind of curious to see what a shaved head/bald me will look like.  Online I've read stories from many women who don't want that outward sign of being a "cancer patient."  They talk about how it is not anyone's business and they use the cold caps in hopes they can keep their hair so that no one else will know what is going on, or they find a wig that no one would ever guess wasn't the real deal.

I've come to realize I don't feel that way so much.  In the beginning, I didn't really want to tell people I had cancer because it was so hard to say those words.  It actually feels really awkward even now to write that sentence, but not because I don't want you to know.  Maybe because I don't want it to be true.  Probably because it still doesn't seem possible or real that it is true.  Every time I say it or write it, in my head I think it the same way I did when I sent Beth that first text:  "Oh my god I totally have {expletive} cancer!!!!??" 

It is a very personal thing, but I don't see any reason it should be a secret.  I have figured out that in my mind I equate secrets with things that are bad or you are ashamed of.  Of course when I really think about it, there are all kinds of other reasons you might keep a secret.  I can see now that I am just not a very private person.  I'm an extrovert and I get my energy and work through things by talking and sharing (possibly more than I should!).

So yes, the bald head is a dead giveaway, but I'm not all that concerned about others knowing I'm a "cancer patient."  The unfortunate fact is, I am.  I don't care if someone overhears me on the phone in Fred Meyer talking about chemo.  I don't even whisper it anymore.  I'm sure there will be lots of times where I will want to go out and not feel people's eyes linger on me for longer than normal, or avert their eyes, or all the things we do when we feel uncomfortable.  Krista generously passed on her very cute wigs to me, and it's pretty amazing we shared pretty much the same hair color.  The style is what I wanted (but usually failed) to achieve with my own hair for years... shiny and straight with a stylish cut.  It is really nice to know I have those ready to go, and they look cute on me to boot!  There is another wig I've seen online and would like to try on at Kathy's Wig Boutique if they have it.  It has wavy curls like my own and is pretty cute.  It is also very expensive, and because I'm not even sure how often I will end up wearing a wig, plus the fact that I already have two cute ones that were free to me in my closet, it seems like it might be a waste of funds.  I might have to try it on anyway... just in case.  I already bought a couple cute and comfy hats and also have gotten some as gifts, too.

I try to imagine myself at work or hanging out with my friends and of course they will all know I'm bald.  Who am I kidding, you know I'm totally going to show at least some of them.  I wonder if it will feel weirder to know that they know that I'm wearing a wig or to just wear a hat... and not the kind that can hide the fact that I have no hair underneath?  It almost seems strange now to go from this super short hair to longer hair. 

Maybe that is related to why I'm pondering all of this.  I already cut off my hair, and I only did it because of cancer.  Beth admitted to me that after we cut it, she had a moment where she thought, oh my gosh, maybe this was a mistake, she really is sick.  She has cancer and so she cut off her hair.  Yep, I sure did.  I don't think I'll really know how I feel about it until it's my reality.  At work most people know about me... or at least I thought they did.  A coworker the other day complimented my new hair cut, and I said something about how I was trying to enjoy it before it all fell out.  He was totally taken aback when I explained I started chemo last week.  Maybe there's not as much gossip at the office as I thought.

Anyway, back to my appointment yesterday... I also liked the social worker.  She meets with all new patients and explains what her role is and other services the can provide.  We talked a bit about Claire and things to kind of watch for in a child that age when you are going through something like this.  I don't expect to require her counseling services (probably because of my tendency to run my mouth to anyone and everyone as mentioned above), but it's good to know it's available.

She also explained a bit more about the integrative medicine programs that are offered.  If I start having any symptoms of neuropathy (tingling/numbness in fingers, toes, etc) then I am going to try acupuncture right away.  She said acupuncture can even help with fatigue among many other things, so maybe at some point I will try it.  I also think I need to take advantage of the discounted price massages.  Get those toxins out, right!  Who knows, maybe I'll do a yoga class or something like that.  Those classes are free and I liked yoga when I took it before, but it was pricey.  Perhaps I should try art therapy... doesn't healing through mask making sound... interesting?  I would totally make Juan go with me to that one! ha ha

My next chemo will be on March 10th.  That's my half-birthday (and my cousin Trevor's birthday-birthday).  I will be half done!