I have always considered myself a glass-is-half-full kind of girl. I still do for the most part. It has been interesting how various family, friends and acquaintances have reacted to my diagnosis. I can honestly say, no one has disappointed me. That's not surprising because I would hope the people I've kept in my life wouldn't do that. Some reactions have been more curious than others.
I have one friend who I have learned is an extreme optimist. She was great when I told her that I had cancer. She of course gave me a big hug and started in about how I was going to be fine, I could beat this, and it was going to be would be ok, etc.
The next day she asked first thing, "So what did you find out? It's not really cancer, right?" Ummm, no, they said it is cancer. She was still kind of incredulous, but not like, real cancer. Well, they called it "invasive ductile carcinoma," so yeah, I'm pretty sure it's real cancer. Then she said something about how it didn't seem like it was really cancer unless it was like, everywhere or something like that. She said something along the lines of, "No. No, I'm just going to be positive. You just have to stay positive!"
I really do believe she was just trying to stay super-duper-extremely-hyper-positive. But after a couple conversations similar to this, I realized that this kind of optimism really wasn't that helpful. Yes, it was "positive" but it wasn't realistic. The reality is that I do have cancer. What good does it to do pretend it's not real? I started to wonder if she really believed me... I was telling someone how Beth had coordinated and delivered a bunch of freezer meals for us (this was back before my surgery) and the other friend asked, "Why?" I said just so we'd have them on hand when we needed them and not have to worry about dinner every night. "But I don't get it, why do you need meals?" she asked. "Because I have cancer!" I said. Perhaps she really didn't think it was true in the beginning... another friend told me how when she passed around a "thinking of you" card for me, this other person again asked, "Why are we doing this?" When the answer was because of my diagnosis, she actually proceeded to say something about how it seemed kind of silly because geez, how many times had she had it? Well, I'm pretty sure the answer to that is a big fat ZERO times. I guess abnormal skin or pap cells are a little different than invasive ductile carcinoma (not that anyone wants abnormal/pre-cancer cells, that's not fun either, but it's a whole different ballpark!).
And so I realized some of my friend's comments were kind of hurtful in that they were trivializing what I was going through, like it was no big deal. I'm sorry, but finding out you have any kind of cancer is a pretty big deal, even in the grand scheme of things. This diagnosis has somewhat changed my life, forever. I think what has really changed is that now and for the rest of my earthly life I will always worry about it coming back. Once I finish my immediate treatments (chemo then radiation) I'm still going to have to take medication every day for the next ~10 years to help prevent recurrence. Plus my kids, especially Claire, are now considered at higher risk to get cancer someday. Claire is supposed to start getting mammograms at age 27 instead of 40 (or 50 if some agencies get their way). I feel bad she will have to know that stress.
We all know that it's possible for anyone to get cancer at any given time. But until you actually do get it, you don't worry about it everyday. Or at least I hope you don't, because that is way too stressful. I like to think that as time goes on, I will worry about it less and less, and I'm sure that will come to pass.
With all that being said, my life hasn't changed in more ways than it has. I like to think I have always been grateful and appreciated the good things in my life and I still do. I don't think cancer was a wake-up call for me in this sense, because I already felt gratitude. For a long time I have tried to think about all the things I'm thankful for each day, usually when I lay in bed before I fall asleep (most times I fall asleep before I'm finished). I've known too many people who have had bad things that they didn't deserve happen to them or their loved ones... things like terminal cancer, miscarriages, and more tragic accidents than I'd like to remember. I feel like I know you shouldn't take life for granted and that any day could be your last.
Sometimes it feels almost amazing to think that life just goes on even when something terrible happens. There are simple moments when I feel so much joy my heart hurts and then I wonder how I can feel so happy amidst so much sadness, and then I feel sad because I feel so happy. It seems so contradictory but that's the only way I can explain it. That's why people say it... Life Goes On. Not only do you still have to do laundry and make dinner but you also find slivers and often huge chunks of joy, hopefully every day.
Over these last few months I have determined that I am an optimist, but I am also a realist, and that doesn't have to mean I'm a pessimist. While I was waiting for the biopsy results, I really couldn't imagine I would get bad news. But I tried. I tried to imagine what it would feel like if I got news I didn't want. How would I handle it? What would I do? Would I burst into tears? How would I tell my family? I wish I didn't have the answer to those questions. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst as they say.
I only told a few people that I had to have the mammogram. I didn't tell my parents because I thought, why cause them worry for no reason. Then when the mammogram led to the biopsy I had to rethink that. I decided I'd better tell my parents, mostly because if I got bad news I didn't want to have to call them out of the blue to say I had cancer. I'm so glad I didn't have to do that - that they at least had a little bit of warning. It was still not a fun call to make, but at least they were expecting a call in the first place. That way I could basically just say hello and start crying and well, there's your answer.
It's very intriguing how differently people will handle a quote-unquote crisis. Most times you just do what you need to do to get through it. Some people are definitely better equipped to deal with stressful situations than others, and obviously there are lots of people in this world who are not able to handle adversity... they turn to drinking or drugs or whatever their vices are.
I'm biased and feel like I have a pretty good system, at least it's working for me, but I understand that doesn't it mean it would work for someone else. I just can't imagine internalizing everything and not talking about it with other people, or holing up inside my house and pretending the world was coming to an end, or pretending the whole thing wasn't real under the guise of optimism. It seems like that would just eat you up inside. It wouldn't solve the problem or make it any easier to deal with. That being said, there have been a few times I just want to hole up, not talk to anyone, and cry until there are no tears left to fall. So I do it, then I dry my eyes and unload the dishwasher or something like that. Because life does go on... no matter what you do nothing else stops.
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