Random Bits of Information

The children have returned (last Friday) and we've been having a good week together.

I have a cold and it sucks.  I have not had a fever so that is good.

My house cleaner from "Cleaning for a Reason" came yesterday.  This guy said how he does it with this service is to clean the kitchen and three other rooms of my choice.  I selected the two bathrooms and the living room.  He did a good job on the areas he cleaned.  Next time I will request he at least vacuum the hallway too because that would have been nice and just seems like it should be part of it.  Other than that I can't complain because it's a free service and the house looks great.

I still have some hair but it looks like I have female pattern baldness.  Or I've just been released from a concentration camp.  It is NOT a good look.  My hair has started falling out more rapidly again but there is still lots left.  Why won't it just all fall out already???

One of my new hats arrived and it's really cute.  I hope the others get her soon because it's nice to have some options.

The other day when I got home from work Juan made a point to come give me a hug and tell me how beautiful and awesome I am.  I can't actually remember exactly what he said but it was really nice.  I had to add it was nice to know he felt that way given how cool I look with my shaved head that looks like it has a leopard print due to the bald spots.

Bryce likes my haircut.  He will periodically ask me to take my hat off so he can see it and tickle my head.  He says, "Mommy, you have the haircut?"  Yes, do you like mommy's haircut?  "Yes, I like it.  I tickle the haircut?"  Sure... why not. 

For some reason I feel like scarves/turbans look more cancery and so I've just been wearing my comfy hats.  I'm too lazy to wear a wig on a daily basis it appears.  Also I don't really like having hair next to my face and with a wig it doesn't look right to pull it back behind your ears like I would normally do.

At home I wear a hat or sometimes nothing, because I can tell you, it gets old wearing a hat all the time.  I think I scared Claire's little friend the other day when she saw my creepy shaved head.  I heard her whisper to Claire, "Why doesn't your mom have any hair???!!!"  I jumped in and told her I had to get this crazy medicine and it was making my hair fall out... could she believe that?  Then she just said, "Oh," like it was no big deal so that was good.  Now Claire keeps asking me to show other kids my head.  I wish the rest of the hair would just fall out because it would be better than what's going on right now.  P.S.  I declined to show my head to the others... I need to remind Claire my shaved head is not to be used for entertainment purposes.

My eyes keep watering.  The cold I have isn't helping, but it's also one of the side effects Taxotere can cause.  It's not awesome and also not a good look.

Last night Manibhu and I had dinner at Kona Grill (she was in town for work).  At the table next to us there was a woman with a shaved head and three other women.  Her shaved head did not have creepy bald spots like mine (self-inflicted and otherwise; also I could only see the back).  We were pretty sure she going through cancer treatment because there was some hand holding and several tears at their table.  Manibhu had a better view and than me and said, maybe not, because it was other women, not the one with the shaved head, that were crying.  I disagreed and said sometimes I think other people are more apt to tear up than the person going through it... not always, but sometimes.

This is a quote from a book I recently read (Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake by Ana Quindlen).  The context is she was talking about how bad things happen to other people (losing a job in the midst of a great career, the death of a child, a devastating illness, etc.) and we often think to ourselves we could never get through something like that ourselves.

"And then sometimes we become one of those people and are amazed, not by our own strength but by that indomitable ability to slog through adversity, which looks like strength from the outside and just feels like every day when it's happening to you."

When I read that, I could only think how true that statement is... or at least it has been for me.  I can't even attempt to tell you how many times I have been complimented on my strength or told what a strong person I am.  It has been a LOT of times!  I don't really feel strong, nor do I feel weak.  I just feel mostly like my normal self.  There are moments where I feel upset, sad, angry, frustrated and there have been a few moments where I completely broke down and definitely did not feel strong in the least.  But I have felt that way in life before.  It never lasts very long.  And so with this, like anything, I get the anger and grieving out of my system and then move forward. 

It is also true now that I am in this situation, it just feels like "every day" to me.  Every day I have/had cancer now for the rest of my life.  And right now, going to lots of appointments and having tests and treatments is kind of routine.  It sucks, but it doesn't make me feel strong... it just feels like what I have to do to get through this.  What is the alternative?  Not go?  Cry when I go?  I guess those are options, but they are not viable ones for me.  I am flattered that people think I am strong, and I am glad that I must be handling my predicament with grace.  What I also think is that nearly every person who has told me I am so strong, is just as strong as I am (and I hope they never have to prove it).

Maybe I am "stronger" than I used to be... or perhaps just less vain.  One summer while I was in high school I randomly developed Bell's Palsey.  I woke up one morning and while putting in my contacts realized I couldn't squeeze my eye shut tight.  Then I noticed when I smiled, only half of my face smiled!  My mom took me to the medical clinic where Pete diagnosed the problem.  He said this could happen when a nerve that passes through a narrow space between some bones near your ear gets inflamed, and the result is the muscles in your face can't get the messages from your brain resulting in paralysis... of half your face.  He said it is usually temporary and could last anywhere from days to weeks to months or sometimes it could be permanent.  As in forever!?  I was totally freaked out, and I confined myself to my room.  I refused to see any of my friends.  I didn't even want to talk to them on the phone.  People brought me things/gifts to cheer me up and I wouldn't even come out to say hello or thank you.  How rude!  I remember sneaking up to the kitchen to get food and then back to my room as fast as possible.  My room was in the basement with a teeny-tiny window and I pretty much stayed there for about two weeks I think.  My mom probably should have decked me.  Luckily it did go away and I was able to return to my sweet self again.

It's supposed to be 73 degrees here tomorrow!  And I am taking the day off to do something fun with the kids.  We will be outside for sure.