What'd You Do Last Weekend?

Oh, you know, just the regular stuff.  Claire had a basketball game on Saturday morning.  Juan grabbed some cinnamon roll bread from Great Harvest.  We shaved my head.  Then we made a Costco run and ran a few other errands.  That night my parents took us out all for a lovely dinner at Juniper to celebrate Juan's (belated) birthday.

It was all pretty normal other than the fact I shaved my head!  Technically Juan, with a little help from Claire, did the shaving.  By Friday night, it was really falling out a lot and kind of driving me nuts.  I would have shaved it that night, but I wanted my parents to see my cute short cut in person (they were driving down that night) and also not freak them out.  It actually didn't look that cute when they saw it though because I couldn't bear to wash or style it and have hair all over my hands.  I didn't want to do it right before Claire's game either because she already fights distraction during her games, and I didn't think that would help.  I wore a beanie to the game to limit the fall-out onto my shoulders and also because it was not looking awesome with no washing.  As soon as we got back home we got the clippers out.

It didn't hurt, but I think our clippers need sharpening as a few times it kind of pulled.  That buzzy feeling next to your scalp is also super weird.  I can kind of see why Bryce freaks out... although he is way overreacting.  Most dudes probably think nothing of it because it's all they've ever known, but as a woman who never had a buzzing pair of clippers touch anywhere besides my hand it was a pretty crazy feeling.  Bryce did not want to help although we asked him.  He watched and I'm hoping maybe he won't freak out as much next time it's his turn.  Now he likes to pet and pat my head periodically.  I used to do that to Juan the first time he shaved his head real short.  Claire likes to touch it too and see if she can pull any hair out (and yes, she can, every time).  My parents got to witness the event as well and my mom took the pictures below.

I decided to start with a 3 and so Juan got to work and after a bit I asked to look in the mirror.  "Oh this is way too long.  It needs to be shorter, " I said.  He said he didn't tell me, but he actually started using a 5 in case I would freak out.  So we swapped out the 5 for a 2... that's a quarter inch.

Before... I told you it looked awesome that morning.  Don't worry, it gets more awesome...

Holy wow!  That buzzing was a crazy feeling!

Not necessarily a pleasant feeling.  Claire was a good helper.

She also tried to hold the mirror so I could see... but mostly I just could see the purple towel.

That's pretty much how I felt the whole time.

Not loving the reflection.  Honestly, it's more the color than the (lack of) length.  It's so dark!  But also totally flecked with gray.  Hello old lady!

Yeah... not so sure about this, but hey it is what it is and eventually it will grow back (that is, after if all falls out).  On the bright side I can wear my cute hats and wigs now.

Thank you Juan (and Claire) for the best head shave ever.  Thank you to Bryce for not laughing and to my parents for documenting the occasion and saying nice things.  None of us even cried (at least not in front of each other).  I haven't cried yet.  I feel like I should, but it just hasn't come over me yet... I'm sure it will before long and I can bawl in the shower and possibly even have to sit on the floor under the water because it is so debilitating that I can't even stand up.

This is how I work... I start to cry about something a little, maybe it's that I have no hair or even banging my elbow really hard on something, but then it turns into I have cry about everything crappy that has happened to me recently, and then I cry because my kids aren't babies anymore and they never will be again and sometimes I feel like I can barely even remember when they were babies, and then I cry because I miss my family in Tekoa and I miss the rolling hills of the Palouse, and the lake, and then I'll have to cry because I still miss my Grandpa sometimes, too, and then I have to cry more because eventually everyone you love including yourself will die because that is the one certain thing in life and by the time I get to that point I've pretty much cried about everything that makes me sad in the universe, so I stop crying and move on to folding clothes or something random like that.  (P.S.  I am well too aware that was a terrible run-on sentence but it's the feeling I'm trying to convey.)

I took a shower right after my "hair cut" because of course there was hair everywhere.  Once I got all the loose hair off I tired to really rub my scalp to get more to fall out.  Oh yeah, totally falling out and my hands were covered every time.  It's rather amazing that given the amount of hair that has fallen out of my head there is still a lot left.  It is starting to look thin in places I can tell now, but if it was still longer I don't think you could tell.  But I would be able to tell, or at least would be dealing with all the fall-out and that was not good so I'm glad I shaved it.  It will be interesting to see how long it takes to be actually bald.  I think that might be better than what's going on right now.

After my shower, Juan and I did our Costco run.  I decided to just wear a hat.  It's going to take some getting used to but it wasn't that bad.  I felt mostly normal.  Especially with sunglasses and a jacket, I just kind of felt like I was wearing a hat (because I was).  A normal person - no, that's the wrong word, I am my normal self, I just don't have much hair right now - a non-cancer/chemo person would wear a hat outside.  I don't think I would have felt any more "normal" wearing a wig.  When we went out to dinner that night I wore my pink hat which I think is pretty cute and mostly comfy.  The server said she'd need to see my ID which still happens to me occasionally.... obviously not because there is any remote possibility anyone thinks I'm under age 21, but just a protocol thing.  This server was funny, she looked at my ID and was like, "Wow!  I never would have guessed that!  You have such a baby face."  I just laughed and then I said, "Maybe having no hair is going to make me look younger!"  Either she was just being really nice, or I wonder how old she guessed I might be?  Do you think sometimes servers ask for ID just because they are curious about your age?  They have to know you are over 21... but how far over?  She seemed pretty sincere in her surprise over my age... maybe she thought I was 30... 32?  I'd take that at this point.  That makes me feel old to think it's flattering someone might think I was only 32.

We had a fun day playing outside on Sunday (perfect because I could wear sunglasses with my hat) and then this morning, my children jumped in the car with Grammy and Grampy to go stay with them in Tekoa.  Juan got back to work and I headed in to my office (with my hat).

Tomorrow morning I have my second chemo.  I don't feel nervous in the same way I did last time, but kind of dreading it a bit even though I'm hoping it will be similar to last time and I just won't feel that great.