When the Kids Are Away...

Tomorrow I will finally see my children again!  I can't believe they have been gone for almost 2 weeks.  I can't believe how ok I was with that!  I think it is because I felt they were old enough and of course knowing they are with my parents and other family members is what really made it ok. 

I never imagined I would raise my children so far away from the core of my family (and yes, I'm fully aware that it's not really that far in the grand scheme of things).  I always figured we would live close enough to have dinner together on occasion and things like that, and my kids could grow up spending lots of time with their grandparents.  Many years ago when Juan and I were just figuring out what our future together might be, I remember telling him that I would want to live closer to my family when I was raising my own children.  But as we all know, things in life almost never happen just the way we envision them (I certainly never envisioned cancer in my future), and as of yet, things have never fallen into place for that to be possible.  Luckily I like Boise quite a lot and all the good things here offset the long drive between us. 

The point of me writing about that is I was very happy for my kids to get to spend time with my parents and also the rest of our family in Tekoa.  When we visit, it seems like there is never enough time to really spend as much quality time with anyone as I would like.  When we have been able to go for a longer visit, we usually try to use the extra time to see friends that we never get to see.  There are always so many things to do and people to see!  So I was excited that this trip, the kids would be immersed in family.  And hopefully behave themselves, too!

Before this past week I don't think I had ever been away from the kids, or them from me, for more than 2 nights at most.  I wasn't exactly sure how it would go (for all of us) but I thought it would be ok.  Juan and I realized last year (before the stupid cancer) that we might be ready to commission someone else to watch our kids for a several days so we could go on a trip or something like that.  Always in the past I would never have even considered doing that!  So this has been a good trial run (although probably longer than we would have done even for a trip!).

According to the reports from Tekoa, Claire has been a little homesick and missing us.  She's ready to come home.  Bryce, on the other hand, may have already forgotten all about us!  I'm told he's probably shot over a thousand baskets so his mind is focused on other things I suppose.  I have definitely missed them both, but have also enjoyed being able to really relax and take care of myself.  Here are some reflections on this past week and a half...

• I can do what I want... when I want... and not feel like I'm neglecting anyone.  I don't really buy into the "mommy guilt" thing, but this week made me realize I often do feel bad about doing "me" things.  And a lot of the time "me" things include vacuuming or paying the bills or organizing Claire's school work that I want to save.  They aren't even fun things, just things that need to be done, yet they take time away from doing things with my kids.  The real problem is, it usually means that more often than I'd like to admit, my kids are watching TV or playing a game on the phone... because those are the things they will do for the amount of time required to get said chores done without interrupting me.  At least with chores I feel like they are necessary, so I can justify it in that way.  With things like reading a book, sewing a project, going for a walk, or even writing on this blog, I feel like they are more "selfish" pursuits and so they usually are on the back burner.

• I don't have to think about feeding someone else every day.  Meals can cause stress in my house.  I get so tired of trying to decide what to make.  I don't want to make the same thing over and over.  I like to try new recipes, but not too many because new doesn't always equal good.  My kids are picky.  I hate to admit it but they totally are.  They actually do want to eat the same thing over and over.  I struggle with trying to have a varied menu but always to have at least something in the meal they will eat.  Add to that trying to make it at least somewhat healthy.  This has kind of been bad though because while the kids have been gone I have put zero thought into meals and we have eaten out way more than normal.  I don't even think I've had to buy any groceries!  Reality is setting in... I need to plan a menu and go shopping!  Luckily I still have a few things in the freezer {thank you!!!}.
• My house is clean and has stayed clean.  I haven't had to put away the magna-tiles, marble track, etc. for the fourth time.  Every.  Single.  Day.  No one's shoes or coat is laying on the floor... again.  How does one train the children to just automatically pick up after themselves?  For that matter, how does one train a husband to do that?  Any great ideas or advice.. please share!
• It's so quiet.  Usually any activity or period of rest is punctuated by multiple and frequent interruptions.  "I'm hungry.  I have an idea, let's [insert crazy idea here].  When will you be done?  What can I do?  Can I have a snack?  How much longer will you take?  Bryce isn't sharing.  I need a snack.  Can we do a craft?  Let's build a marble track.  I'm bored.  Help! Carlo is attacking me!!!  Can I watch a show?  Where is my [insert any possible item here]?  Can I play with [friend]?  I need to eat dinner.  Will you make a paper airplane?  Are you done yet?  Where is the tape?  I'm starving.  Bryce just dumped out all the markers.  I want to go outside.  How much longer until dinner?"  It goes on and on and on and on and on.

But in the end and regardless of all that... what is the point of anything without those darling, non-stop crazy kids?

They are my reason.  My reason to do everything I can so cancer never returns.  My reason to strive to create a happy life in general.  I remember before we had kids (but I thought I was ready for one) and I was kind of feeling that way... what is the point of all this?  It felt like the essence of my life boiled down to wake up... work... eat... sleep... repeat, repeat, repeat.  Not to say I didn't have fun with Juan, spend time with friends, and have various hobbies.  But really, what was the point?  I even liked my job a lot back then and still felt that way.  I think for me I always knew I wanted to be a mom and to be a good wife and raise a family.  There was a short time when I wasn't sure it was going to work out how I hoped... and did come to realize/accept I could make a fulfilling life if kids weren't in the cards if I had to.  I'm glad I didn't have to.  And now I do have my own little family and so without a doubt they are my reason for all of it.

I have tried not to feel guilty about enjoying this little break from being mommy every day... because I have enjoyed it very much!  And at the same time felt like I shouldn't enjoy it quite so much.  Although, when I was feeling the chemo-yuckiness last week I didn't feel guilty at all.  I just felt thankful that I could rest without neglecting anyone.  Now that I've been feeling pretty normal this week it's like I'm shirking my motherly duties.

And now Juan is gone too and I have to admit it is slightly heavenly to have my clean house all to myself and to be totally selfish with my time.  To have the freedom to do whatever I want or don't want to do.  To run an errand or go shopping after work and take as long as I want.  It's nice.  If I didn't know all of them would be back soon it would be depressing, but that is not the case. 

I hope my parents have enjoyed getting to know Claire and Bryce on a new level, too.  I hope that the kids have been good and it appears we are doing something right in how we are raising them.  I don't think we are raising little jerks, but sometimes validation of that is good.  I also hope my parents and my kids might want to do this again in the future (but not because of an illness!).  I always heard about kids going to "spend a week with Grandma and Grandpa," but it was never anything I experienced because Grandma and Grandpa lived just down the road.

All in all, I think this has been a good experience for all of us and hopefully my parents feel the same way.  I can hardly wait to squeeze those little bodies sometime tomorrow afternoon!  I'm getting back in mom mode... thinking about what fun things we might do during spring break next week... even feeling in the mood to plan a menu.  I also have a list of all the things I want to do before they all come back!  The time for that is running out so I better get to it!